I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
