I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
