Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
