I could make wine with my vomit
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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