I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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