New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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