I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
