I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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