don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
