He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
