Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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