When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
