I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
