I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could teleport
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
