life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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