i permit you to call me
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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