It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
