That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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