You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
