Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
