i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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