My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
