I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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