If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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