I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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