Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
