Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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