I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
