So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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