Come see our sink grown plant.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
