I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
