i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
