Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
