it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
