I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
