We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
