I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
