OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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