Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
4 words: hood of his car
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
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other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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