My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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