I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
