tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
