I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're like the curious george of whores
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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