Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
