Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Randomize
