MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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