Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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