he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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