Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
