o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
