the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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