My pussy is not your playground.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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