is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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