She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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