last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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