I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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