just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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