Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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