Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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